What It Says About Your Partner—and You—If He Criticizes You All the Time

You probably have to deal with criticism at work, from your family, and—maybe most of all—from yourself. So when you come home after a long day and your partner calls you lazy for leaving dishes in the sink, it really stings.

While no relationship is perfect, being with someone who critiques you on the regular can be highly annoying and might even put a dent in your self-esteem. In an ideal relationship, you can spend time with each other and be yourself without worrying that the other person will judge you for it, says Brandy Engler, Ph.D., author of The Men On My Couch. And when you can’t do that, it puts a strain on your bond, she says.

Frequently, couples face this issue when they first move in together or get married, says Engler. That’s because when you’re combining the lifestyles of two people, one partner’s expectations of what life together should look like aren’t necessarily the same as the other’s. When those expectations aren’t met, one person might get irritated, judge their partner, and call them something mean, she says.

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What His Jerky Behavior Says About Him
If he’s bashing you for your household habits like not taking the garbage out or making the bed wrong, he’s probably not realizing that his way isn’t necessarily the right way, says Jane Greer, Ph.D., author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. That means he needs to learn how to take his expectations down a notch, she says.

In addition to having annoyingly high expectations, he might be talking down to you because he’s insecure about your relationship, says Engler. “If he’s saying something like, ‘You never have time for me; you’re so selfish,’ it might mean that he’s scared you’re going to leave him, but he doesn’t know how to say it,” she says.  That also means that he probably sucks at communicating, says Engler.

Another fail of people who pick on their partners is that they’re impulsive, says Engler. “Criticizers won’t stop to think about what they’re saying until after it comes out of their mouth,” she says.

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What It Means If You Put Up With It
If you stay silent in the face of not-so-nice behavior from your partner, it could be because your self-esteem was in the dumps to begin with or that you agree with your partner’s negative assessment of you, says Engler. But if that’s not true for you, you might be scared of being alone or don’t think it’s worth ending the relationship over, she says.

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How to Put an End to His Unsolicited Comments
Here’s your game plan: After your partner talks down to you, set some boundaries, says Greer. “Tell him that he’s not allowed to call you names or blame you because it makes you feel bad,” she says.

Then, try to get to the bottom of why he’s being a bully in the first place, says Engler. To do that, she suggests asking your partner to pause, take a breath, and think about why he’s saying those hurtful things to you. “The point of this is to teach you partner how to slow down and think about what he says and what he’s feeling before he starts becoming critical,” she says. If he’s willing to acknowledge that he’s being a jerk, you can practice this a strategy until it becomes a habit.  

If his behavior doesn’t change pretty quickly, ask yourself how long you’re willing to put up with his rude remarks before you call it quits, says Greer. “Tell him that you’re going to give him that amount of time before your leave or seek counseling,” she says.