What It’s Really Like to Have Severe Postpartum Depression

Name: Paige Bellenbaum

Age: 42

Occupation: Non-profit director

Diagnosis: Postpartum depression (PPD)

I got married in 2005, and I got pregnant a month later. I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy at all. I was always worried about whether there was something wrong with my son, and that’s when depressive spots started to creep in. When I had my son and the doctors put him on my chest, I thought, ‘Of course I’m going to have this connection with him.’ But all I wanted to do was breathe and take a shower and just get him off me—just process what my body had gone through.

My husband had to go back to work immediately, and I started having anxiety. I became completely obsessed with everything about my son. Was he eating enough? Not eating enough? Was there something wrong with his color? Did his urine look a little bit different? I’d call the pediatrician all the time. If he was sleeping too much, I was convinced he was going to die. The anxiety kept me from sleeping, so by week four I was totally paranoid and exhausted. I also started having all these milk supply issues. I became fixated on nursing and started seeing all these specialists.

At some point, the anxiety started to turn into a really deep, dark depression. I didn’t talk to any friends or family, and I wasn’t able to sleep at night. I remember sliding down the bathroom wall one night and holding myself, thinking, ‘What can I take to end this?’ This is the most horrible, miserable feeling I’ve ever had. I was thinking about getting on a plane—getting a one-way ticket and not telling anyone where I was going.

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This went on for about a month. I didn’t tell my husband or anyone around me how dark it was and that I was having suicidal thoughts. I was so scared. I didn’t want to be judged. I felt people would think I was a terrible mother.

The turning point happened after a few weeks of staying inside. I took my son for a walk in his stroller. I saw a bus coming down the street, and I had this overwhelming urge to throw us both in front of it and just end both of us. I stopped myself, sat down for a minute, and realized I needed some help. I went up to a clinic that I had heard had some services for new moms that were depressed and not feeling well. I walked in and spoke to a full team of doctors and psychiatrists. Twenty minutes later they said, ‘You have severe depression. You need to go on medication immediately. You need to start therapy. We need to come up with a treatment plan for you.’

I started to feel better. I had to try a couple of different medications, but I finally found one that worked. I’m so lucky that I had a wonderful boss who basically came to me and said, ‘You’re an asset to my agency, take as much time as you need. When you’re ready to come back, I want you to come back. I’m not giving your position away.’

When my son was about 16 months old and I was pretty much over the hump, I went to a support group. One of the new moms in the group smiled and looked at my baby and said, ‘Oh, you’re so cute. Isn’t motherhood wonderful?’ I said, ‘No, actually, sometimes it sucks and I wish I had never done it. And sometimes I like it, but no, it’s not what I thought.’ I thought she was going to run off, but she told me that she was glad I had said that and she started crying.

In that moment, I thought, ‘Why the hell aren’t we talking about it? Why do we all feel subject to pretending motherhood is wonderful and we love it?’ So I was able to say to these other women who were in their darkest place that I was there, and I came out of the hole. There was something really cathartic about being able to say that to other women who were suffering.

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I started researching legislation—this is where my public policy and advocacy background comes in—and I came to find that sadly there wasn’t a lot going on in terms of what other states and cities had done around postpartum depression awareness or making sure that women get screening and treatment.

There was nothing for New York State or New York City on the local level. I met with a senator and told her my story. From then on, she took the bull by the horns—she started roundtables with people from New York State, including pediatricians and mental health advocates. After all of that work, we got a draft for a bill that was very strong. It was vetoed in 2013 but finally signed into law in the summer of 2014. It doesn’t mandate screeings across the state, but it strongly urges and recommends pediatricians, ob-gyns, and medical providers to screen women within the first year of delivery.

“Here in New York City, there have been all kinds of movements, which is very exciting. Mayor Bill DeBlasio’s wife—Chirlane McCray—recently introduced some initiatives that would mandate screening in most of the hospitals in New York City. All of these things are kind of happening one after the other, and so slowly but surely, the face of this issue is starting to change. People are starting to recognize that this is a life-changing phenomenom and it does require attention.

Pick up the May 2016 issue of Women’s Health, on newsstands now, for tips on how to help a friend who has a mental illness, advice on how to disclose a diagnosis at work, and more. Plus, go to our Mental Health Awareness center for more stories like Paige’s and to find out how you can help break the stigma surrounding mental illness.