Why Didn’t He Climax? Hint: It’s Not You

There’s taking your sweet time, and then there are instances in which you could have all the time in the world…and it still wouldn’t help him cross the finish line. If you find yourself in bed with a guy who just won’t—or can’t—get the job done, don’t worry. There are a lot of reasons why this might be happening and one simple thing you can do to help.

1. He’s Stressing
Just as can happen with women, men sometimes find they can’t get out of their heads enough to really get into sex. “Finances, family problems—if he’s feeling too much anxiety about life, it can definitely interfere with climax,” says Fran Walfish, Psy.D., an expert panelist on the upcoming WE TV series Sex Box. “Male or female, you have to let go in order to be able to climax—orgasm requires a certain kind of abandonment.” And if he’s got too many worries, he just might not be able to let loose enough to orgasm.

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2. He’s Got Performance Anxiety
“Being anxious about being able to maintain an erection and/or please their partner can short-circuit the mind-body flow and disrupt the body’s physiological response,” says Jane Greer, Ph.D., New York-based marriage and sex therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship.

Walfish concurs: “Some guys project onto their partner that she wants ‘this’—and he thinks he might not be able to give her that. They put so much pressure on themselves, they can’t let go.”

3. He’s Dealing With Baggage from Past Relationships
Some guys need to feel a certain level of trust with their partners to be able to orgasm, says Walfish. “If your man has been hurt in the past, he might be having a harder time establishing the connection with you he needs to climax.”

4. He’s Scared of Knocking You Up
“If a man is afraid of impregnating his partner—perhaps they’ve used protection in the past and it failed—they may not trust orgasming,” says Greer.

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5. He’s Too Into You
“For men who just won’t climax, it’s not because he doesn’t find you attractive—if anything, he may find you too attractive and may be frightened about the intimacy,” says Greer.  “He may feel that if he has an orgasm with you he’ll feel closer to you and more connected, and that degree of intimacy might make him feel too dependent. So he could be holding himself back, which can sometimes get in the way of orgasm.”

6. He’s On Something
This can be anything from margaritas to drugs—prescription or otherwise. For example: “If he’s taking anti-depression drugs, that could run interference on his ability to climax,” says Greer.

7. He’s Got a Medical Issue
“Thyroid problems, diabetes, prostate issues, physical injuries—there are a variety of medical conditions that can create difficulties with orgasm,” says Greer. “It’s always a good idea to see a doctor if it happens repeatedly so he or she can perform tests and rule out, for example, the possibility that he has low testosterone, that the thyroid gland isn’t producing enough hormones, etc.”

So what’s a girl to do? For all of the above, the answer is simply to talk about it, says Walfish. “Yes, this is a very delicate, sensitive issue,” she says, but keep this in mind: “Communication is the determining factor in whether or a not a relationship can make it.” If you can talk about things like this and “weather the storms that come up,” then she says you know you’ve got a good thing going.

“Be sensitive but open and honest,” suggests Walfish. That way you can figure out what’s going on and help him work though it.

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