Why Quitting My Job Was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to My Relationship

About a month ago, I left a job that had great pay, full benefits, and normal working hours. And it was the best thing I ever could have done for my relationship.

I first took the job when my husband Chris and I moved from New York City to Delaware to be closer to family. While the gig was great on paper, it wasn’t right for me. I missed the old work I used to do, and I started doing consulting on the side. So every day, I worked nine to five in one place, had a two-ish hour break at home, and then got back to work for a few more hours after our toddler went to bed. I also worked constantly on weekends—whenever I had free time, I immediately opened my laptop and got to work.

I’ve always been a happy person, but it became harder to be laid-back as things got busier. I started to fantasize about being self-employed—what I really wanted to do—but knew it wasn’t practical since I was the main breadwinner in our family. And naturally, I had trouble separating my work life from my personal life. I was miserable and often moody, which is so not me. While Chris was understanding and sympathetic, even he started to struggle with my continuous griping. We started bickering constantly.

We fought about whether it made sense for me to leave such a well-paying job (nope), how miserable I was, and pretty much everything you can imagine. If there was a chance of a fight, I dove in. It was another way for me to express how unhappy I was—and it was driving us apart.

This went on for a good six months. And then one day, I decided I couldn’t do it any more. I came up with a plan to strike out on my own full-time, Chris and I budgeted out worst-case scenarios, and I put in my notice.

My relationship immediately took a U-turn. Chris and I haven’t fought—or even bickered—since I left. As weird as it sounds, I even feel differently about our marriage.

There’s a whole new level of support there that never existed before, and it feels amazing. After years of feeling the pressure to bring in a certain income and provide health benefits for our family, Chris told me it was okay to let go of that stress and pursue what I really wanted. 

How can one job have so much sway on your relationship?

Relationship and couples coach Jessica Higgins, Ph.D., says it’s normal for people to have trouble separating work from their love life—especially when they feel overwhelmed in one area. If someone is happy with their work life, it can actually make their relationships better, she says, which explains why my marriage is going so well right now. But if they’re not, it can make a relationship much, much worse.

Higgins says the first step to take in preventing your work life from wrecking your relationship is to be able to acknowledge that your job is the reason why you’re moody and to share that information with your S.O. She recommends saying something like, “I’m really upset. I’m having a difficult time with [insert work issue here], and I’m working on how to deal with the situation.” That tells your partner that, yeah, you might not be yourself right now, but you’re aware of it and are trying to fix the problem.

The next is to acknowledge how you’re feeling and take your experience seriously since, as Higgins points out, “it’s probably not going to just go away.” And that goes right into the final step: Do something about it. Once you know what you need, look for a way to have those needs met. Maybe it’s asking your partner to help out more at home while you navigate a crazy work schedule or being more patient with you while you work through things. Or maybe it’s just time to get a new job already.

Living with me these past few months must have been…interesting. But coming out on the other side, I know Chris is beside me no matter what.

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Korin Miller is a writer, SEO nerd, wife, and mom to a little one-year-old dude named Miles. Korin has worked for The Washington Post, New York Daily News, and Cosmopolitan, where she learned more than anyone ever should about sex. She has an unhealthy addiction to gifs.