Why That Guy Who’s So Into You Suddenly Goes MIA

“I can’t believe this,” my roommate Steph says. “That stupid ghosting mother-f**ker.”

We’re at a bar drinking aggressively while she tries to make sense of why some dude named Patrick texted super cute with her for weeks, then had sex with her (wherein he allegedly came quickly), then continued texting for another few days before disappearing from the digital Earth.

“Why would he do this?” Steph says while she swipes angrily at whichever dating app she’s using to try to find the anti-Patrick. For the fortunately uninitiated, “ghosting” is when two people are talking or dating or otherwise engaging in some sort of vaguely romantic relationship and one of them disappears without giving an explanation of any kind. (I find the term interesting because if ghosts really do exist, aren’t they supposed to be bothering us via haunting and stuff? If ghosts were just completely out of the picture, we wouldn’t even know about them, right? #deepthoughts)

Obviously, both men and women can ghost. But anecdotal evidence suggests that guys may be guilty of this more often. Why? Fantastic question. There are a number of reasons. Most of them aren’t good ones, but such is life.

Every reason following this one is just an extension of the fact that some people are too immature or scared or whatever to let people know they aren’t interested. Even though all it takes is one text that says something like “I think you’re a great person, but TBH, I don’t think we’re compatible because [insert truthful or bullsh*t reason here].” That’s all you have to do to end things without completely disappearing. And yet…

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Sometimes, it takes a date or two or a few to get a read on somebody, and when a guy decides early-ish on that he isn’t really that attracted to you, he might just disappear. His line of thinking is likely that he doesn’t owe you an explanation since you hadn’t been messing with each other’s feelings for long enough to really warrant one.

Harsh but also unfortunately true.

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He has been swamped lately and has either been unable to reach out to you or has lost himself so much in his career that he hasn’t even thought about texting a girl to further a pseudo-relationship. It isn’t that he didn’t have a good time with you or that he doesn’t like you, but do you really want to be with someone who isn’t interested in making you a priority?

I’ll admit it: I believe this is an occasionally justifiable reason for ghosting on a person. I also confess that I’ve done it before. I’m not proud of it, but at the time the last thing I was worried about was a woman I really didn’t know all that well, and I didn’t want her to ask what was wrong or try and help. Both nice things to do, but both things that I didn’t want to deal with discussing at the time.

This is, I fear, very common. Guys like Patrick the Premature Ejaculator abound. These are the guys who take extreme pride in the number of people they have had sex with, and while I’m about getting laid as often as you want or can as long as you’re safe about it, I also think it should occur with a partner who is on the same page as you. Not a girl who you fool into feeling you might be in like with, only to bounce from her life after a two-minute rabbit-hump session.

I’ll leave you with this: If a guy ghosts on you, he is a d*ck. And you don’t need him in your life.* Furthermore, there is no point in lamenting his disappearance. Don’t look at it as a loss. You don’t want to be with a person who would ghost on you, anyway. You deserve better, and you’ll find better. You know, like someone who actually maintains his presence in your life. That’s crucial in building a relationship, I’m told.

*With the exception of a person going through genuine personal problems. And if he’s not a d*ck, he’ll resurface at some point and be like, “Hey, sorry. My life was going off the rails, and I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to communicate with someone I just met on Hinge two weeks before my nervous breakdown.” If he’s being honest, that guy might deserve another chance.

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Scott Muska is a writer in New York City. You can follow him on Twitter @scottmuska or e-mail him at [email protected].