Will Your S.O.’s Relationship with His Mom Affect You? Ask Yourself These 3 Questions to Find Out
“If someone has a positive, warm relationship with his mom, then that’s generally a good sign for your relationship,” says Megan Fleming, Ph.D., New York City-based sex and relationships expert.
But that doesn’t mean you’re looking at a future of unicorns and happily ever afters. We break down which mother-son behaviors to watch out for and what they mean for your relationship.
How Often Are They in Contact?
Totally cool: If he calls his mom on a regular basis, that’s a sign that he cares about her and that keeping in touch is important to him.
RELATED: Red Flags to Watch Out for When You Meet His Family
Red flag: On the other hand, if she’s calling him every day (or every hour…) or vice versa, that could signal some boundary issues, says Fleming. Consider how this affects the role she’ll play in your lives if you stay together. Will she want input on all decisions going forward? Or guilt him (and you) into missing holidays with your family? In that case, talk to your S.O. about his feelings on the matter. If he’s cool with her strong presence in your lives and relationship, decide whether that’s something you’ll be able to live with.
Does He Say Nice Things About Her?
Totally cool: Gratitude is a major pro. If he tells you about how thankful he is for what she’s done for him, like putting him through school or teaching him how to cook, that’s a good sign, says Fleming. Bonus points if he passes those kind words on to her because he’ll likely do the same for you, she says.
RELATED: What It Says About Your Partner—and You—If He Criticizes You All the Time
Red flag: If he’s highly critical of her, that’s a red flag. Of course, some things will upset him, but listen to how he criticizes her. There’s a difference between “she never listens to me” and “it hurts when she won’t hear me out.” Look for extreme, black and white language (“always” and “never”) as a clue, says Fleming. Though there’s not much you can do about this behavior, just know that it’s a signal that he could treat you this way in the future and think about whether that’s acceptable behavior to you (hint: it shouldn’t be).
Do They Deal with Conflict Peacefully?
Totally cool: If he voices his feelings in a healthy, productive way when he’s upset with his mom, that should give you a sense of his character, says Fleming.
Red flag: If he resorts to yelling at her, that might be a troubling sign, she says. It could show that he deals with stress and conflict poorly, which could also affect his relationship with you. Observe how he regularly handles conflicts with her (and others in his life) to see if it’s a pattern or if his outburst was a one-time thing. If it’s a habit, that could be a deal-breaker for you.
The Bottom Line
Despite all these clues, keep in mind that there are no hard and fast rules about the way he treats his mom and the way he’ll treat you. When you’re dating someone new, ask questions about his parents and listen to the stories he tells about his childhood to get a sense of his background. Use that info to get a feel for his values and determine if he’s the kind of person you want to be with.
In the end, his family could play a role in his romantic relationships (and yours could, too!), but it’s not everything, says Fleming. For example, just because he felt neglected by his mom growing up, it doesn’t mean he will automatically require lots of attention from you.
As another source of intel, “observe how he treats waiters at a restaurant or the way he talks about his boss,” says Fleming. Notice if he’s respectful and patient with those people, even when his food is wrong or his boss is demanding. That will give you a sense of his personality.
Bottom line: As long as he’s respectful to you and doesn’t have an “I 3 Mom” tattoo inked across his forehead, you’re probably in the clear.