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Les Haines via Compfight Les Haines via Compfight 

In our family of four sons, Bob was willing and able to provide the bulk of the sex education, including the values that we held. It worked out well because he was more comfortable talking about it than I was. I have often wondered what I would have done if we had girls, and I’m not sure I know the answer. I would have tried to talk to them more than I did with our sons, but am certain that doing so would not have been entirely comfortable for me.

Bob writes:

The boys’ sensuality was increasingly prominent as they matured and became interested in building romantic relationships with the opposite sex. It was clear that sexuality was critical to our very happiness (or distress from time to time). Our own relationship was deeply rooted in sexuality, in the breadth and depth of that most human of experiences.

Ellen’s and my attitudes toward sex and sexuality were forged in the Victorian and religious values that were prevalent in our growing-up years. Our parents told us very little about sex and sexuality. It was not a part of discussion or even in their vocabulary. Except for referring to the “opposite sex,” the word “sex” was not used, and we learned very little about it except from friends or junior high health class. Words for sex and sexual behavior, whether formal and medical or vulgar and crude, were not part of our upbringing. And then there was the overarching guilt and fear of sex because any discussion of it was avoided by parents and teachers, and its forbidden nature reinforced by teachings from the pulpit, Sunday school, and church youth organizations. The prevailing language we learned was that of morality, chastity, faithfulness, purity, virginity, deflowering, adultery, and harlot. Other words such as prostitute, hooker, slut, pimp, fuck, screw, rape, homosexual, gay,lesbian, sex toys, and such were outside the bubble of our knowledge.

Ellen and I consciously decided that our boys would be well informed and educated about sex and sexuality; that they would know where babies came from,  how they were made, and the differences between men and women physiologically, physically, sexually, and emotionally. All of this was intended to teach them about relationships with those fascinating and very different creatures—girls. We were determined that they would know about these things before they learned them either through their peers and girlie magazines, or, on the other side, from the puritanical teachings of our religion.

Our intent was to teach them that sexuality was a normal part of life, and that it changed as they grew and matured. We wanted them to know that physical changes would occur suddenly and catch them unaware, and that girls’ bodies would change as well. We were determined that they would know that relationships were forged in romantic feelings and that later strong bonds would be created with their wives in a sexual relationship. That was where life was initiated and how babies would result.

Ellen and I talked about how to approach the subject: When to start? Where to start? What could we use to help? What would be the appropriate venue? How should we go about it? Who should tell them about these very intimate, emotionally charged things? These and other questions went through our minds at a very early stage in the boys’ development. The task of educating the boys about sex fell to me. Ellen made significant and important contributions, but I became the initiator and the mouthpiece for transmitting sexual concepts, feelings, values, and behaviors to four young sons.

It is one thing to talk about sex in the abstract. It is quite another to have illustrations and pictures that show what is going on. I found age-appropriate children’s picture books, guides to puberty, and later teenage-level explanatory books with illustrations, diagrams, and explanations. I read and explained these books to them. I recall starting this educational process at about fourth or fifth grade, or perhaps even earlier—in any case, well before puberty.

 

 

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And they are apparently too stupid to realize how easy it is to ensure they are called out for their bad behavior.

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    Last reviewed: 3 Mar 2014