healthmedicinet

  Corie Howell via Compfight

The role played by the virtual world in most families lies somewhere between its effective and regulated purposes and its potentially destructive use as an alternative reality—a form of escape from responsibilities and family interaction. In some situations it may provide the family currency—if all are involved and it is a source of recreation, achievement and bonding. But if technology is a source of conflict in which one or more members routinely avoid family gatherings and activities, then it needs to be addressed in a constructive manner.

For example, the blended family of seventeen-year-old Steven was looking at how the members communicated. The father was a large man with an intimidating presence. Though he voiced his belief in the equality of women, his actions suggested that he was the undisputed head of the household whose wishes took precedence. He worked hard to provide for his family and was genuinely puzzled when they didn’t appreciate his efforts. The petite, hard-working stepmother was from another culture—one in which women have traditionally been subservient. Her pattern was to give in to her husband until she reached a breaking point and then exploded—becoming irrational from the perspective of her family. Steven was often at the center of conflict. His stepmother wanted him to help with chores and clean up after himself. The father stated that her requests were unreasonable and often sided with his son. Steven just wanted to be left alone. His room and his computer were his refuge.

Over time we worked at giving Steven a voice. In my office at least, he was encouraged and permitted to say what was on his mind. His father was not allowed to interrupt until Steven was finished speaking. Nor could the father interrupt his wife, whose perspective, once fully explained, became quite reasonable. For example, she didn’t want Steven to leave unwashed pop cans and pizza boxes in his room for days at a time. We found ways of compromising on computer access, TV time, and sleep habits. Steven also gained some understanding of how hard his parents worked. Both parents and child began to express affection for one another—affection that, I suspect, had always been present, but was buried under the shouting and conflict.

When clients come into my office, they have already figured out that something isn’t working right. It may take time to diagnose the heart of the problem, but we have all agreed that we are there to explore a problem. In the ongoing stream of family life, it may not be so clear cut. We may be aware that there is strife and that people are uncomfortable too much of the time, but we haven’t figured out why and are not sure what to do about it. We may seek the help of a professional, as Bob and I did, or we may try to work it out ourselves.

Choosing the latter approach requires some serious soul-searching—beginning with the parents. We must look closely at our own possible contributions to the problems, analyze how we spend our own time, honestly assess our priorities, and frankly evaluate our methods of managing stress and conflict. In terms of the all-for-one and one-for-all approach I am advocating, we need to ask if we have lost sight of the essence of each individual, or if the well-being of one or more family members has been sacrificed for an overarching, possibly unspoken, goal. Whatever the reason, if communication has broken down so far that we have lost the ability to speak honestly in clear yet civil terms, or if we cannot listen to the concerns of every family member, individuals will start escaping in whatever way they can.

So how do we ensure that computer use, a nearly perfect venue for escape, doesn’t undermine or substitute for real ongoing family relationships? How do we reclaim lost children—or adults—from its seductive capabilities? Technology has become almost as essential to our current lives as food and shelter. It is a vital part of our work, school, homework, networking, and recreation. It would be difficult to ban it entirely. Some people argue that it is a preferable way of interacting—freeing us from shyness, prejudice, and physical limitations. While those advantages may prevail in some circumstances, I believe that there are emotional, physical, and spiritual aspects of human relationships that the computer cannot replicate. In order to engage the essence of every family member, we must supply the ongoing caring and support that a computer will never be able to provide.

The task of a family is to provide or restore faith in the reliability of relationships. We are always present for one another—not perfect, but present. We make demands on one another—sometimes at inconvenient times—and then at some point we return the favor. If the network of relationships is secure enough, we experience the real world as favorable and have no need to use the computer or other physically and mentally addictive substances as a substitute life.

Young people whose judgment is still developing may nevertheless need some help in monitoring their use of the computer, just as they do any other excessive behavior. Parents and children may need to discuss and agree on appropriate computer use—including the careful monitoring of violent or sexually explicit material. Parents also can get involved in conversations about the lands that have been conquered, monsters killed, points scored, and levels reached. It may seem as though youngsters want their computer world to be private, but, as with all their concerns, it is hard for them to resist talking to a parent who is genuinely interested in their activities and is not waiting to judge.

Technology has changed human interaction forever. Its positive impact includes a phenomenal capability to connect and integrate the human family in ways never dreamed possible. However, when it becomes a substitute world, outside the demands of real time, genuine emotion, and meaningful engagement, it has the potential to draw us away from what it means to be human. It is in the family, that first and best source of a loving and reliable reality, that we can place our involvement with the virtual world in perspective—managing it as an incredibly useful tool rather than a substitute for the timeless and infinite human capacity to love and understand.

 

 

 

 

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And they are apparently too stupid to realize how easy it is to ensure they are called out for their bad behavior.

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    Last reviewed: 2 Apr 2014