The common denominator of all forms of bullying is a lack, or erosion, of empathy. Nurturing empathy, a intensity that is benefaction in roughly all children, is therefore during a heart of interventions to revoke bullying. (Bazelon’s book is itself a indication of consolation – not usually for victims and their families, though also for a families of bullies, for kids who are poorly accused, and for educators struggling to do a right thing, even when their responses are ineffective.)
In a end, Bazelon raises a incomparable question: What can we do, as parents, to maintain qualities of consolation and affability in a children? How can we revoke a risk that they will get held adult in hurtful teen-age drama? How can we assistance them turn “upstanders,†not bystanders, to meanness and cruelty?
In a new lecture, Bazelon wisely counseled that we should acknowledge a children’s acts of affability as tenderly and enthusiastically as we do their educational or jaunty achievements. This is positively a good place to start.
I would like to quickly supplement some additional recommendation – lessons about consolation gleaned from my knowledge as a child therapist and from developmental research. To some parents, these lessons might seem self-evident, though they are simply mislaid in a stress and gait of complicated family life.
Here is what we trust is many essential: Empathy begets empathy. As parents, we need to set aside time to listen patiently and empathically to a children and to correct moments of anger and misunderstanding. When we listen with empathy, when children know that their concerns and their grievances will be heard, we open a pathway to romantic maturity. In these moments, children turn reduction engrossed in daring thoughts and argument, some-more open to compromise, and some-more caring toward others.
Listening with empathy, however, is not always easy and should not be confused with permissiveness or indulgence. Children need to know that their feelings are critical – though so are a needs and feelings of others.
We should also learn a children, from an early age, a significance of assisting others. (Older children, for example, can be speedy to mentor or review to younger students.) Children learn critical lessons from assisting others. They learn that they have something to offer and they knowledge a gratitude and appreciation of others.
We also need to assistance children learn how to solve problems by discourse and compromise. Children need a active guidance, as mostly as we can yield it, in how to acknowledge another person’s concerns and find common ground. Without a help, dispute between children too mostly leads to defensiveness and retaliation, rather than mutual bargain and artistic solutions. (In families, when there is conflict, vouchsafing siblings try to “work it out on their own†is frequency a good idea.)
Finally, we need to be purpose models and to use consolation and forgiveness in all a relationships. Developmental research, over several decades, has consistently shown that children are some-more expected to be caring toward others when they observe a caring function of dignified adults. For immature boys, a comfortable attribute with a father who is viewed as inexhaustible and merciful might be generally important.
We can’t envision all of a hurdles and moral dilemmas a children will confront in a march of their lives. We can usually ready them, as best we can, with a foundation, formed on a empathic bargain of their feelings and concerns. On this foundation, consolation and regard for others are afterwards some-more expected to turn second nature – a right and normal thing to do.
Copyright Kenneth Barish, Ph.D.
Kenneth Barish, Ph.D. is a author of Pride and Joy: A Guide to Understanding Your Child’s Emotions and Solving Family Problems.
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