The fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) will be released in May. Yahoo is featuring first-person stories from Americans who are diagnosed with some of the most common mental health disorders in the United States. Here’s one story.
FIRST PERSON | In 2009, my doctor diagnosed me with panic disorder with agoraphobia. I’m 33, and I live bottled up in my home.
It first manifests itself with hives that cover my entire body, followed by shortness of breath, and finally, vertigo. I can barely leave my house. There are times, too, when I cannot leave my bedroom, except to take the five steps down my hall to the bathroom. I live 90 percent of my life sitting on my bed, curtains open wide, staring out the window, and wishing that I were brave enough to go outside.
My life wasn’t always this way. I used to go to work, go shopping, and spend time with my family and friends. I was always at church, or other people’s homes. I never slowed down, and I didn’t want to miss anything. I used to have such a passion for life, and chose to live life to the fullest. Then fear took over, and stole my smile, my happiness.
It all started with depression and PTSD, which I have struggled with since I was a teen. However, after my last marriage, it gradually became more intense. I couldn’t handle being in large crowds, then I couldn’t deal with strangers. Soon, a trip to the grocery store had me in hives. At first, I thought that the hives were an allergic reaction, so I started taking over the counter allergy medications. Before long, I was taking Benadryl every four hours, just to stop the hives and the itching. Then one day, I had a particularly bad panic attack in the middle of the grocery store. It started with hives, and then I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was dying. When the vertigo came, I just started running. I ran out of the store, leaving a full cart of groceries behind, and didn’t stop until I reached my car. I jumped in locked the doors, and had to call a friend to pick me up.
My doctor put me on medication, which I took regularly, until I lost my job. Now, without insurance, I cannot see the doctor to get my medications. I’ve been without them for over a year, and as a result, I am missing much of my children’s lives. They are growing up and stepping out into the world, while I am growing more and more introverted. Nearly all of my contact with the outside world takes place via the internet and telephone. I would give anything to be able to step out into the sunshine, and breathe in the sweet smells surrounding me.
Instead, I just sit staring out my window, wishing to live again.
