I have always lived life unapologetically. Even at 360 pounds, if doors weren’t open to me, I opened them myself. I often joke that I crashed through them. I worked hard to never let my size define me or what I was capable of. I never was concerned with others’ opinion of my body; if they had an issue with my size, that was a reflection on them, not me.
Then, in 2015, both of my parents were hospitalized at the same time. My mom had an obstruction so large around her heart that the doctors said she was lucky to have woken up that morning. The whole experience made my own mortality very real, very fast. For the first time, I thought to myself, “You’re going to die one day,” and I admitted I couldn’t walk from the parking garage to my mom’s bedside at the hospital without stopping from pain.
At this moment, all of the aches and pains that accompanied my weight—getting out of bed, the constant back pain that caused me to look for chairs as soon as I walked into any room—bubbled to the surface. I never really stopped to consider how my size was affecting my life, physically or emotionally.
I knew I had to do something. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew there needed to be more in my life. I made a conscious decision not to be mad or frustrated or look at the past as wasted years; the choices I made in my life got me to that very moment. I knew that if I was going to move forward it had to be driven by massive love for myself. I knew I was worth more and believed in showing myself kindness and compassion. There would be no judgment and no shame, just the desire to move forward and live a life that was more badass and more healthy from the inside out.
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Even after I decided all of that, I didn’t make a single change. It wasn’t until a few months later when I found myself in a situation where I was dating the same kinds of guys again and again and again. These were men who wanted to get physical with me but had no interest in showing up for me as a person. And the common thread in all those relationships was me.
I thought, “Okay, Sarah, it’s obvious that the choices you’ve been making haven’t gotten you where you want to be. Your health isn’t great and your dating life is a dead end. It’s time to try something else.”