healthmedicinet

By
Judy Parfitt

PUBLISHED:

18:52 EST, 13 February 2014

|
UPDATED:

02:34 EST, 14 February 2014

Slipping away: Judy Parfitt pictured with her husband, Tony, then in his 60s

Can I remember exactly when I ‘lost’ my husband? Was it the moment when I had to start tying his shoelaces for him? Or when we stopped being able to laugh with each other? Looking back, that turning point is impossible to pinpoint. But then that’s the nature of dementia.

This insidious disease steals the mind of the person you love by stealth, until you realise they might be with you in body but they have been lost to you for ever.

But dementia isn’t just something I’ve encountered personally. For the last two years I’ve played the role of doughty Sister Monica Joan in  Call The Midwife, the eccentric, aristocratic-born nun in her 70s living out her final years in the care of the other nuns.

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What is never spelt out explicitly in the series is that she, too, is suffering from dementia. She drifts between moments of utter clarity — for example, in the first episode of this latest series she successfully diagnosed cystic fibrosis in two little boys — and times when her mind drifts off into confused ramblings.

Because Call The Midwife is a gentle drama, not a documentary, it’s  not appropriate to portray Sister Monica Joan’s condition in all its brutal reality.

But, having watched my husband, the actor Tony Steedman, succumb to this terrible disease over ten years, depicting Sister Monica Joan’s condition is still an extremely important aspect of the role to me.

The fact that a dementia sufferer can flip between lucidity and derangement is something I witnessed with Tony until the end, when he died in February 2001.

There’s one obvious difference between my role on Call The Midwife and my real-life situation, though.

 
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Comments (40)

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The comments below have been moderated in advance.

Bill,

Kent,

34 minutes ago

Frankly I think it is cruel what old folk are put through now, you would not be allowed to do it to a dog. I think life preservation is more about Big Pharma and the highly lucrative care homes at a grand a week then quality of life.

Worn Out,

Skid Row, United Kingdom,

54 minutes ago

My 85 year old mother-in-law is in the early stages of dementia and already it’s a nightmare, and having a terrible effect on her 88 year old husband.

Eruditus,

Manila,

54 minutes ago

I remember him from the Newcomers, takes you back.

sparky,

East Yorkshire,

57 minutes ago

My Dad has dementia and I know my mum gets very lonely, he was an excellent woodworker and could fix anything in the house, all that is lost, as some days it is hard to just have a conversation with him. When he has to go into hospital it is very stressful for him, as mum keeps him to a routine, if that is messed up then he gets very upset and the memory loss gets worst. The last time he was in hospital he was put on a general ward and the nurses seem to find it very hard to cope with him, at one point he was found just before he got into the lift, telling the nurse that his wife was down stairs and was waiting for him, my poor Mum who is not well herself did not rest properly until he was at home.

shazdawn,

dulwich,

1 hour ago

What a beautiful story and thank god you have wonderful memories you are a truly extraordinary woman. Thank you for sharing

Dutch Ovens,

Still stuck here…, United Kingdom,

1 hour ago

I have experienced this with my mother and sorting this out needs to be the very top priority this governments has, because unlike anything else it is likely to effect all of us in some way. Loving somebody is just about the best thing we can hope for in this pretty miserable world and to in effect have that person stolen from you in the most painful way simply because our leaders do not deem us worthy of the same dignity as a sick animal disgusts me. They are basically saying that we cannot have a form of humane suicide here because we’d instantly start abusing it and topping our parents for their inheritances. Maybe that’s true, but if it is then they have an even bigger problem than dementia, I’d suggest.

Sandra,

Staffordshire, United Kingdom,

1 hour ago

May the memories you made and shared together help you through your life,lets hope that more money is put into a cure for this terrible illness

dumpy222,

staffs, United Kingdom,

1 hour ago

I look after people with dementia and it’s such a cruel vile disease.

Sandra,

Staffordshire, United Kingdom,

1 hour ago

It must be truly awful that someone you loved and shared so much of your life with should end up not recognizing you,I hope that the memories that you made and shared together help you through your life.

deb,

bloomington,

1 hour ago

I don’t understand the vascular dementia diagnosis and then her saying he had AD dementia. He either had Cerebral vascular dementia (CVD) or AD- they are two very different etiologies of dementia. Regardless- all dementia is the same- in that the person leaves and isn’t even aware of it. My sister is going through it now and I probably will be next- its genetic for us- we are the forth generation- with a 50% chance of getting “it”. but I will be watching closely and will not drag family members with me.

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