12 Vibrators That Won’t Remind You Of D*cks

Penises are sort of like the complimentary bread at the restaurant—it’s always nice to have, and sure, you’ll nibble on some and enjoy it, but let’s be real—it’s not what we came here for.

That’s why I don’t understand why so many vibrators are designed to look like big, veiny slabs of man-meat. Not to mention, if you’re using a vibrator, you’re not really able to look at it anyway…because it’s inside your vagina.

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I see you nodding your head over there, so I’d like to offer up a few chic, non-phallic alternatives that are better than the best unlimited bread basket you’ve ever had (except for the cheddar biscuits at Red Lobster because those things are legit carbgasms).

1. The Iroha Mini Vibe

This little nugget of joy fits in the palm of your hand and comes in a variety of colors for only $28. It’s literally cheaper than ordering takeout and watching a movie. So #SaturdayNight, ladies.

$28, babeland.com

 

2. Squeel Go

Are you kidding me with this cutie? It looks like a unicorn’s tongue, and it probably makes you feel like you’re riding one when you use it. Sold!

$59, babeland.com

 

3. Magic Wand

The Hitachi Magic Wand is the OG of vibrators. There’s pretty much nothing arousing about its design, but its reputation as being the ultimate sex machine should make any woman want to reach out and grab it.

$51, amazon.com

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4.  Form 3

Oh, you fancy? Why not try this motorized tongue that’s basically a piece of art you’ll want to store in your china cabinet along with the Lenox. Prepare to have the best dinner parties ever.

$139, jimmyjane.com

 

5. Pocket Toyfriend

6. Sensuelle Rechargeable Wireless Remote Control 10 Function Bullet

Yes, this is a remote-controlled situation, which means next time you and your partner are sitting in separate rooms, staring at your iPhones and wondering how life became so dull, you can rekindle the magic with a little zap in your sweatpants.

$31, amazon.com

 

7. I Rub My Duckie

Splish splash, you’re taking a bath—and no one has to know what you’re actually doing in there for so long.

$33, babeland.com

 

8. Hello Touch

Fingers are the classic method of masturbation, which means they can sometimes be…boring. Why not give your digits a tuneup and make them feel special again?

$79, jimmyjane.com

RELATED: 6 Things You Need to Know Before Buying a Vibrator

9. Womanizer

This thing doesn’t just look crazy; apparently it also sucks. Like—it really sucks, which is probably why it’s so expensive. Please buy this and let me know if it’s worth it!

$189, babeland.com

 

10. Doc Johnson Belladonna’s Magic Hand

Anatomically correct vibrators are kind of gross, but there is something about this hand that’s kind of alluring. It also doubles as a creepy window display at Halloween, so for $18 it’s a steal.

$18, amazon.com

11. Fifty Shades of Grey We Aim to Please Vibrating Bullet

Skip the popcorn, and sneak this into the movie theater when the next Fifty Shades movie comes out. You won’t regret it.

$13, babeland.com

12. Tenga Easy Beat Egg Masturbator

So these eggs are technically for dudes, but they made it onto the list because, well, look at them! Also, they make a great gift. 

$23 for a variety six-pack, amazon.com

“I sent these to my boyfriend who is deployed in Afghanistan,” wrote one reviewer on Amazon. “He said they were awesome and that all the guys he gave them out to were enjoying them, as well.”

U.S.A! U.S.A!

Follow Caitlin on Twitter.