healthmedicinet

As presented in Part 1, power can be thought of as an ongoing choice regarding the type of energy (emotion) we activate in and around us. What we believe is learned, consciously and subconsciously.  It emerges from our life experiences, and the meanings we’ve internalized that form our present worldview.

Defining power as a mere ability or right to dominate, to impose or to force one’s will on another is a limiting view of power. Even worse, it is toxic to our relationships and our health.

This limiting and negative view of power also hides multiple healthy-dimensions of power as a creative and energizing force, for example, one that can foster mutual caring, empower creativity and personal transformation, among other positive outcomes.

Psychologist Alfred Adler held that a “neurotic lust” for aggressiveness and self-absorption were a result of failed attempts in childhood to meet needs for healthy power in contexts where parenting practices were domineering or harsh. To the extent children are dominated, they learn how to use an array of punitive tactics to get their needs met, whether aggressively or passively, manipulating others’ emotions of fear, shame and guilt.

Adler viewed human beings as, above all, social beings who instinctively seek to engage, to belong and to find meaningful ways to contribute to life around them. The most important elements to healthy child development, in his view, were parental love and interest.

In relational contexts, it is not power itself that makes a particular impact, and rather what we believe power is, and therefore, what we believe we “have to” do to get the love, recognition, value — to matter — in relation to those that most matter to us.  If tactics of dominance seem to “work,” and they do at least on the surface, it is only because human behaviors are shaped by underlying emotion-drives to matter,  to feel loved, accepted and recognized.

Here are a few ideas to consider in exploring your beliefs about healthy power.

R – Restores.

Real power has an emotional healing effect that acts to restore emotional, mental, relational balance in our life and relationships. It is a force that energizes emotions in us that generate healing. It sees and feels the need to restore, and works not unlike the “refresh” button on our computer. Its focus on restoration gives us the emotion-momentum we need to rise above our fears and ego, to do what is uncomfortable, such as to say “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me.” The power of a genuine apology is immeasurable.

E – Energizes.

Real power energizes our ability to make choices that tap into our inner source of action-activating energy.  Action seals the deal, and the ability to take action toward realizing our dreams and aspirations builds courage, confidence and sense of self-efficacy. It gives us the sustained momentum we need to take action that backs our words in the direction of healing or reconciling a relationship. It says “What can I do to make amends?”

A – Awakens.

Real power awakens inner sources of strength, courage and determination to see and stand in your truth. And thus, it grows us, our wisdom and thus compassion, our capacity to consciously love that’s based on growing understanding of our self, others and life, so that we may freely give and receive, depending on where we get stuck, is where we need to work to find balance and peace of mind.

L – Links.

Real power links us to others in meaningful ways. It builds heart to heart connections as we act to mutuality honor our own and other’s capacity to make choices, act as agents of our lives, and so on.  When you interact with another, you come face to face with their power — personal power — the power of the other person’s choices. It is the power of the other that we fear. They have the power, for example, to say no, to deny us the love we yearn for, to dismiss what we want for ourselves, to reject, to disapprove and so on.

In sum, power is first a perception. The power you face in others is simply your perception of their power. The source of your own power, or another’s power is, therefore, in your mind. When someone judges you, you always have a choice. Your choice is in how you will respond. Will you respond in a way that connects you or increases the gap?

Power is also a choice of what and how we use our energy. If we choose to take what another said or did personally, in effect, we grant them power they do not really possess, except subconsciously in our mind and theirs. The only power others ever have “over us” is the power we give the in our mind.  Best selling, motivational author and speaker Wayne Dyer put it this way: “How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.”

We always have a choice in how we respond, and that’s our core power. In Man’s Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl says the following: “…everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Additionally, our perceptions of power and how we “should” relate to one another’s power are learned.  Our most powerful teachers have been the cultural influences that have shaped our beliefs, such as family, school, church, government, entertainment media, and so on. Cultural structures that value “power-to” teach us to exercise power as a responsibility in caring for self and others in ways that build mutual respect and relational cooperation. From a power over perspective, the disobedience of a person, thought of as subordinate in the relationship, poses a threat, whereas a “power-to” view values and seeks to meet the needs of all through natural giving, that is, a giving that stems out of love and joy, not fear.

Depending on whether we view power as a capacity to make optimally creative choices, or an ability to be in control over our own, or another’s power (choices), dramatically changes our behaviors, feelings, wants, goals, and so on. It also produces radically different outcomes.In other words, power is what power does.

It’s impossible not to have power. Power is action. It is an energy that is activated moment-by-moment as we take action, accordingly, to realize our emotional needs for love, recognition, free agency, purpose, etc.

It is not power that has a particular effect, rather what we believe power is and therefore how we exercise, handle or respond to one another’s personal power, i.e., actions, choices, and so on.

Regardless the type of power we active, how misguided or not, at heart, personal power is a quest for us, as human beings, to meaningfully connect to life in and around us.

 

 

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And they are apparently too stupid to realize how easy it is to ensure they are called out for their bad behavior.

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Relationship consultant, author, licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Athena Staik shows clients how to break free of anxiety, addictions, and other emotional blocks, to awaken radiantly healthy lives and relationships. Dr. Staik is currently in private practice in Northern VA, and writing her book, Safe Enough to Loveâ„¢: Breaking Free of Addictive Love in Couple Relationships. To contact Dr. Staik for information, an appointment or workshop, visit www.drstaik.com, or visit on her Facebook fan page DrAthenaStaik

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    Last reviewed: 28 May 2013