I believe in God. Even though I no longer go to church, I pray. Every night.
I thank God for my stability, for the fact that my mind is still intact, that it didn’t wander away – because it has. It has wandered far sometimes. When I am neither depressed nor manic I am stable and it is this stability that I thank God for. It is this stability that I pray I will find when I wake up.
It is weird how things change, how my prayers have changed. I don’t remember what I use to pray for, besides the blessings I still ask for over my family and friends. But I know that today I just want to be normal. Level-headed.
I don’t want to think about dying or killing myself. I don’t want to be confused. I don’t want to be manic and act dangerously. I just want to be stable.
It took years to find consistency in my stability. Years I won’t get back. Years lost to moods and episodes and hospitals and medications. But today, usually, I rest somewhere between the extremes and that is why I thank God and why I continue to say my prayers every night. Because I want to be present, I don’t want my life to pass me by in a series of ups and downs. I want some middle ground. I want to enjoy my life.
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And they are apparently too stupid to realize how easy it is to ensure they are called out for their bad behavior.
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    Last reviewed: 28 Dec 2013
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