Spontaneous passion should no longer be the goal after the age of forty, advises a sex and relationship coach.
For the best sex, over-40s should schedule it into their calendar and discuss what’s going to happen in the bedroom to ensure mutual satisfaction.
Even when it comes to dating over 40, grabbing someone for a passionate kiss is apparently a dated approach.
To avoid misunderstandings, it’s much safer to ask someone if you can kiss them first, says Ruth Ramsay, who helps couples improve their sex lives.
The intimacy coach delves into sex myths for people aged 40 to 70 at the Postcards from Midlife Live event to be held in London on May 19-20.
For the best sex, over 40s should schedule it in their calendar and discuss what’s going to happen in the bedroom to ensure mutual satisfaction
She says people need to let go of the ideas that planned sex, recently recommended by TV presenter Mariella Frostrup, is unromantic, and embrace planning and discussing what it entails.
Ramsay told the Mail: “We’re attached to this idea of ??spontaneous, wordless passionate sex, but in middle age, in long-term relationships, planning sex and knowing it’s coming can spark more desire.
“We shouldn’t treat sex as something we do spontaneously when there is time, after everything else in life, from work to housework, to life administration and taking care of children, has been done.
“That’s how people go weeks or months without sex.
“It’s better to treat it like a hobby that you spend an hour doing because it’s important to you and you want to make sure it happens.”
The sex coach warns against “silent, wordless” passionate sex, as she says occurs on hit TV shows like Bridgerton, instead recommending that couples talk about sex before it happens.
Relationship myths after 40
Sex declines in middle age – it doesn’t have to
Sex should be without words – it’s better to talk about what you like in bed
Passion should be spontaneous – plan ahead to make sure it actually happens
Men always want sex – this can change as they get older
Women are easily pleased – it takes longer than we see on television
Grabbing someone for a kiss is tempting – it might be better to ask first
She said, “The three main problems middle-aged women have are that they have lost their libido, that their partner is no longer interested in sex, or that they want more than they currently experience in the bedroom.
“Talking about sex before it happens isn’t unromantic, it avoids assuming the other person can read minds.
“It’s a good opportunity for both people to talk about what they’d like sex to be like to give them pleasure.”
Spontaneous sex is often shown on screen as happening — and ending — very quickly, which Ramsay says is another reason not to copy it.
She said: ‘On television, women can orgasm in minutes, but the evidence shows that in real life it takes an average of 13 and a half minutes of high arousal for a woman to reach orgasm.
“One of the main reasons women fake it is they’re afraid it’s going to take too long, which is another reason why a scheduled hour for sex might be better than a quickie.”
Finally, for those dating after divorce, or single over 40, Ramsay said the rules have changed.
She cautioned that a man grabbing a woman for a kiss can seem presumptuous, she said, “Asking someone in a whisper if you can kiss them can be very sexy and help the other relax into pleasure.”
“There doesn’t have to be a business contract upfront, but it’s important to ask permission rather than trying to be spontaneous.”