healthmedicinet

It’s a question that’s been on my mind–probably on a lot of people’s minds–since the NSA leaker’s identity has been revealed.

I’m not sure if what he did was right, if it will have some unforeseen national security consequences, but from all I’ve read so far, it was done from a place of conscience: He believed the American people ought to know the extent of the domestic surveillance program, and how it’s being carried out.

Many of us are confronted with such moments on a smaller scale, moments when we can act on our conscience, when we have to decide whether to speak up or remain silent.  When you find yourself in a moment like this, what do you do?The situation that is most familiar to many of us is when we witness other people seemingly mistreating their children.  For example, we’re in the grocery store and we see someone speak harshly to their child, do we speak up ourselves?

It’s not a simple question, in my mind.  It rests on our judgment about other people, on our sense of what’s right and wrong, on a split-second interpretation.  Yet we don’t know anything about the other person’s culture or situation; we don’t know if that parent was having a terrible day and snapped and felt awful about it, if that parent will subsequently learn through his or her own shame.

What if by speaking up, we thwart that natural process?  Meaning, instead of the parent realizing she did something wrong, now she’s responding to a stranger’s judgment of her.  So instead of focusing on her own behavior, she’s focused on yours, on what gall you had to interfere.

In some cases, speaking up can actually allow someone to avoid his/her own self-reflection and, thus, responsibility.  And if no one is asking for our help or opinion, there’s no reason to believe that it will be welcomed.

But what if the behavior we witness seems so unjustifiable that we feel we have no other choice but to speak up?  Our conscience wouldn’t allow us to do anything else, regardless of how it will be received.

That’s when it’s important to remember that no one likes to be shamed; somewhere inside, I suspect that parent knows he or she is behaving badly.  If you’re going to speak up, you have to do it with compassion, with the awareness that you’ve never walked in that other person’s shoes.

You don’t know how that person grew up, how he/she was parented, what their current frustrations are.  You don’t know the love they feel for their children, and you can’t assume that bad behavior equals a lack of love.

Speaking up means realizing your own potential fallibility: You know what you saw, or what you heard, but you only know that much.  You need to respect that other person if you want him or her to show more respect for the child.

“Excuse me,” you could say, “could I talk to you for a minute?”  You could speak so that everyone else can’t hear.  And you could add, “I don’t know you or your situation.  I feel like the way you just spoke to your child could be hurtful, and that concerns me, for both of  you.”

Could you be told to butt out? Of course.  But maybe somewhere inside, what you’ve said will register.  That person will realize maybe things have gotten out of control, if kind-seeming strangers need to comment.

I feel like what Edward Snowden did when he leaked that information is bring something out into the light from the darkness.  Whether that’s ultimately the right thing–history can judge.  But for the rest of us, we’re deciding, moment by moment, what our conscience requires.

Woman covering her mouth image available from Shutterstock.

 

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And they are apparently too stupid to realize how easy it is to ensure they are called out for their bad behavior.

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    Last reviewed: 11 Jun 2013