Men still have three times as many orgasms as women do – and it’s time to even the score.
That’s according to sex expert Tracey Cox, who has laid out the simple steps women can take to increase their chances of climaxing with a partner.
Her first tip is to stop faking it, a habit which, Tracey argues, women are actually sabotaging their own sex lives.
She points out that research has shown men actually prefer being told what to do, and Tracey advocates taking control in the bedroom as a sure fire route to increased orgasms.
Read on for more of the top tips Tracey has shared with Femail – from learning to think like a man – or a lebsian – to acknowledging together that your orgasm will take longer to achieve than his.
And if all else fails… reach for a vibrator.
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Tracey Cox has revealed that men have at least three times as many orgasms as women do – but reveals there are ways to even the score
Here’s a question for you: What do you think is the biggest and most damaging myth about sex that’s not just alive and kicking but looking like it’s never going away?
How about the fact that most women don’t orgasm through intercourse and only 30 per cent can do it.
Like all sex educators, I’ve been harping on about this for years so am very pleased to see there’s a new book that tackles the topic head on.
‘Becoming Cliterate’ challenges our culture’s flawed way of thinking about sex because – as author Dr Laurie Mintz puts it – ‘it’s screwing with women’s orgasms’.
Dr Mintz, a US psychology professor and human sexuality expert, thinks we’ve separated our most reliable route to female orgasm – clitoral stimulation – from how we feel we should orgasm – penetration.
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The result is men have at least three times as many orgasms with a partner than women do.
The rates for casual sex are even more abysmal: only four percent of women have orgasms through casual sex.
‘We’ve never – at any point in Western history – had a time where the majority of the population valued women’s way of orgasm as equal to a man’s,’ says Dr Mintz. ‘It’s time to change history’.
It IS time to change history – so let’s get started here with some practical tips guaranteed to even the orgasm score.
Tracey says it is hugely important to speak up and tell him what works for you
Speak up and stop faking
If you’ve been faking it, come clean.
If we all stop faking orgasms and sabotaging our sex lives, we might just start having one with him.
Studies show men actually prefer to be told what to do and don’t mind doing it for a reasonable period.
During intercourse, be very specific about what you need – his fingers, a vibrator, a certain style of thrusting – and tell him how long you need it done for.
Take control
The more sexually educated, experienced and assertive the woman is, the more control she takes and fuss she makes to get everything just right during intercourse, the more likely she is to be having real intercourse orgasms.
If you’re sexually uneducated and passively lie back while he thrusts in the usual manner, those moans are more likely from frustration than frenzied passion.
The more sexually insecure you are, the more likely it is you’ll fake an intercourse orgasm, believing the only reason you’re not having one is because there’s something wrong with you – or him.
Get technical
It’s anatomy and physiology that makes intercourse orgasms difficult.
Dr Mintz says the most striking thing about female masturbation is how likely it is to produce orgasm and how little it resembles, mechanically, the stimulation received from intercourse.
This is why the single, most important thing you can do to even up the tally is to give yourself the same clitoral stimulation you use when pleasuring yourself.
This basically involves thinking of his penis and pelvis as more of a masturbatory tool – something to rub and stimulate your clitoris with and against – than an appendage that thrusts (ineffectively, if pleasantly) in and out of your vagina.
Sounds selfish? Sorry to be blunt but who cares?
He won’t – he’ll end up climaxing one way or another, believe me! And for once in your life, you might too.
Women have more orgasms when they have sex with other women thanks to adopting a unique approach to each of their partners
Act like a man
Another great book, I Love Female Orgasm (Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller) advocates women acting more like men in bed.
Men don’t lie back waiting hopefully for their partners to give them an orgasm during intercourse, they do whatever it takes to get them there.
They’ll thrust in a certain way, rhythm, angle or speed, do it in their favourite position, make sure they have the right fantasies they need playing in their heads and are looking at what they want to see.
‘Guys make it clear that they expect to have lots of sexual pleasure, and an orgasm, and they assume the sexual interlude will continue until they do,’ Dorian says.
It’s up to you to do the same.
Think about what you need. What position, technique, pressure and pace, what head-space you need to be in, any ‘extra’s’ (stimulation elsewhere) you need, then go for it!
Don’t just be active, be proactive.
Think ‘How do I put pressure on the clitoris’ and do whatever it takes to do that.
When he’s on top, grab his buttocks and pull him close to you, massaging so his pelvis grinds into yours providing clitoral pressure.
Or act like a lesbian
Women have more orgasms when they have sex with other women than when they have sex with men.
Think that’s because you both have the same bits, so know exactly how best to stimulate them?
Wrong again.
It’s more about women knowing clitoral stimulation is individual and it’s not a case of one technique suits all.
‘Lesbians have a higher orgasm rate because having a clitoris teaches you that it’s important to ask a partner just how hers needs to be stimulated,’ says Dr Mintz.
Take as long as it takes
It takes women around four minutes to masturbate to orgasm solo. It takes an average of 20 minutes (and anywhere up to 45 minutes) with a partner.
Dr Mintz cites reputable research that says if a partner spends 20 or more minutes on clitoral stimulation, about 92 per cent of women will orgasm.
As US sex therapist Ian Kerner (author of She Comes First) says, ‘that’s a shift of tectonic proportions’: from two out of three women NOT being able to reach climax to nine out of ten having an orgasm.
All because of a few more minutes spent stimulating the clitoris!
Add a vibrator
It’s the simplest and least awkward way to add clitoral stimulation to any intercourse position.
Choose a mid-size vibrator that’s not so large it’s intrusive but not so small it slips out of your or his hands during the crucial moment.
Then simply hold and press or roll the fleshy pubic bone or around the clitoral area during penetration.
There are vibes you can wear during intercourse (like the We Vibe) or vibrating rings that fit around his penis.
Learn from the minority
So what of the 30 per cent hands-free girls – the ones who genuinely do seem to orgasm through intercourse?
Some believe they’re having penetration orgasms through internal stimulation of the inner erectile tissue and urethral sponge (the ‘G-spot’). Lots, by the way, argue this tissue is effectively still part of the internal clitoral structure.
Others say they’re only able to do it because they’re using girl-friendly pelvic grinding that tugs the clitoral hood or puts pressure directly on the clitoris. This is backed up by research.
Slow everything down during intercourse. Focus on squeezing your pelvic floor muscles and maintaining control.
Go too fast or let him take over and there will be an orgasm – his.
Check out Tracey’s range of products on lovehoney.co.uk and visit traceycox.com for more advice on sex and relationships.