You’re Still Single and Don’t Know Why

E – “Ex” Issues

Once bitten, twice shy.

If assembly strangers doesn’t get your palms sweaty, maybe aged attribute container does. Let’s contend your final attribute finished horribly, withdrawal we holding a shards of a damaged heart. Eventually we accommodate someone new—one who’s ideal for you—but all we can consider about is what COULD go wrong. When something or someone has harm you, an distinct response is to do all probable to equivocate experiencing pain again. As tantalizing as it is to close yourself in a unit and obsess about a prior relationship, comprehend it is probable to trust and adore again. Most importantly, remember your subsequent partner is not your ex, so don’t move those aged doubts and fears to a new relationship. Leave a exes where they belong—the past.

A – Attachment Pitfalls

You’re sticking like cellophane wrap, he’s using like mascara.

Research suggests that a form of bond we form with caregivers as a baby influences how we bond in adult regretful relationships (Hazan Shaver, 1987). If your caregivers consistently and reasonably met your needs in decline (i.e., secure attachment), you’re some-more expected to knowledge a gentle and healthy connection to a chairman we love. But not everyone’s so lucky.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Type = Clingy (Brennan, Clark Shaver, 1998)

Individuals who shaped an uncertain connection as an tot (meaning a caregiver inconsistently met their needs) are some-more expected to knowledge a lot of stress about love. The probability of abandonment is offensive to a anxious-preoccupied person. Hollywood portrays these characters in regretful comedies as obsessive, unfortunate women who pull group divided with crazy antics and continuous doubt like: “Are we intrigue on me? Do we unequivocally adore me?” (See also Avoidant Attachment Type)

R – Rigid Boundaries

Personal Boundaries—much like a blockade around your home—are dictated to apart and protect. But if there’s an alligator-infested tray around your personal life, no one’s removing in. Author, Nina W. Brown describes rigid boundaries as a hostility to become emotionally concerned with others in an bid to hedge disadvantage and harm (1998). In other words, fear-based acerbity is a self-evident steel armor surrounding a wavering heart—intended to defense from disappointment. Further, firm personalities can be really sold about how things should be and are often resistant to change. Although they might enterprise love, their expectations of themselves and others are unrealistic. Until a armored horseman is prepared to embankment a persistence and reduce a drawbridge to entice others inside, he’s expected to unintentionally sojourn a solitary ancient of a castle. 

If stress is removing in a approach of experiencing a healthy, regretful attribute – therapy can help. One of a many effective psychological treatments for stress is Cognitive Behavioral therapy (CBT). Speak with a protected mental health veteran about training to cope with and overcome F.E.A.R.

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