7 Things You Say That Unintentionally Scare the Sh*t Out of Your Partner

I tend to be really open with my husband, Chris. If a thought pops in my head, I share it with him, even when it’s as stupid as the fact that I saved 50 cents (half a dollar!!!)  when I used a coupon at the grocery store.

So of course when I had a minor freak-out about living in a small town, I talked to him about it. We moved to a sleepy beach town from New York City over a year ago, and I still miss city life so bad it hurts. He was sweet and understanding during my minor meltdown, and it really helped me to feel better.

And that was it. I had my moment to vent and, in my mind, moved on. But apparently, Chris didn’t see things the same way. 

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The next day, he wasn’t himself. He seemed really freaked out and wouldn’t meet my eye. When I pressed him on why he was acting like a scared bunny, the truth came out: While I felt like I was just venting the night before, he saw it as something more serious. In his mind, I was just going to announce that I was leaving at any time and that would be it.

UM…WHAT?! I WAS JUST HAVING A BAD DAY.

But it turns out that our complete failure to be on the same page isn’t unusual. “Given how many things there are going on in our own heads at any time and the best we can ever do is an educated guess at what’s going on in the hearts and minds of each other, I think it’s truly amazing that two people ever come to understand each other at all,” says Atlanta-based psychologist and relationship coach Jared DeFife, Ph.D.

So while you may mean one thing, there are times your partner can hear something completely different.

Here are some other comments that can unintentionally scare the crap out of your partner (even though you know they’re totally innocent):

“I Hate My Job”
Whether you had a bad day or your job legitimately sucks, sometimes it helps to just vent a little. But to your S.O., that can translate to “I’m quitting my job tomorrow.” (It sounds crazy but it happened to a friend of mine after she had a crappy day at work. Her husband freaked.)

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“I’m Over It”
While you probably mean you’re done with an argument, this can mean you’re over your relationship, your current situation, wearing flats this summer—anything, really. “What you say and how you say it matters, and it’s easy for our signals to get crossed,” says DeFife.

“He’s Cute”
Hey, we’re human, and you’re probably going to noticed when a hot guy crosses your path.

BUT WHILE YOU THINK IT’S COMPLETELY INNOCENT, YOUR PARTNER COULD MISREAD THAT COMMENT AS A SIGNAL THAT YOU AREN’T SATISFIED IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP…OR EVEN THAT YOU’D CHEAT.

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“FML”
Bad days happen to the best of us, but a seemingly innocent (yet intense) comment like this can be misconstrued as a sign that you’re depressed. And it’s understandable, says licensed marriage and family therapist David Klow, owner of Skylight Counseling Center in Chicago. “I’d be freaked out if I heard that from my partner,” he says, adding that it could be interpreted as a suicidal thought, which should be taken seriously.

“We’re Broke”
“Broke” can mean a range of things, and you probably mean something along the lines of “we can’t afford the place we want” instead of “we literally have zero dollars.” But it’s understandable that a comment like that can be misunderstood.

EMOTIONAL TOPICS LIKE MONEY ARE ESPECIALLY OPEN TO MISINTERPRETATION, SAYS DEFIFE.

“I’m Nervous About Having Kids”
If you’re a little jittery about making babies, you should obviously talk about it. Just know that your S.O. can interpret that as “I never want to have kids—ever.” DeFife says it’s okay to be completely candid with this one. Maybe just follow it up with “…but I still think I want to have them some day.”

Good luck out there.

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Korin Miller is a writer, SEO nerd, wife, and mom to a little 2-year-old dude named Miles. Korin has worked for The Washington Post, New York Daily News, and Cosmopolitan, where she learned more than anyone ever should about sex. She has an unhealthy addiction to gifs.