I Met My Sperm-Donor Dad

The father-daughter dynamic has long been a punchline—from #daddyissues hashtags to Chris Rock’s riff that keeping your baby girl “off the pole” is the number one sign of good fathering. The unfunny part? Growing up dad-less can really eff you up. The number of children living in fatherless homes has steadily risen, per the U.S. Census Bureau. In 2009, nearly 18 million kids were being raised sans a paternal figure. And studies show that a father may be more crucial to a woman’s development than previously thought: Girls without dads have a greater risk for depression, are more apt to engage in unsafe hookups, and are susceptible to higher stress-hormone activity, which can make them particularly sensitive and anxious in relationships. How’s that for hilarious?

The latest twist: New research finds that the reason daddy left—whether it was because he met an untimely demise, divorced your mom, or was a no-show since day one—can influence which of these issues you may be predisposed to experience as an adult. Still, whatever accident of fate robbed you of your father, you can rewrite the script. WH asked four brave women to share their stories, then had our experts provide the steps needed to put daddy drama to rest for good.

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My Dad Was a Sperm Donor

In a way, Jennifer, 30, lost out on two dads: Her mother was a married woman when Jennifer was conceived via a sperm donation at a doctor’s office. But as Jennifer turned 6, the marriage ended and the guy bounced. “I thought my dad didn’t want anything to do with me,” she says—until her mom spilled the beans when Jennifer was 12. “I was confused but relieved to learn that my mom’s ex wasn’t actually my dad. It lessened the rejection,” she recalls.

By college, Jennifer drifted through a series of lackluster relationships. “I didn’t want to be clingy or insecure, the stereotypical woman with daddy issues,” she says. Instead, she dated guys simply because they showed an interest (even if she wasn’t that into them). After a few too many unfulfilling unions, Jennifer went in search of her biological father. “All my mom knew was the name of the doctor who performed the insemination,” Jennifer says. Then, last year, she found her dad through a donor-search website. “He’s married with sons, but the minute he found out about me, he was elated. At one point we were planning to FaceTime, and he e-mailed me, saying, ‘I can’t wait to see your beautiful face.’ I started crying,” says Jennifer. “I realized that, before then, I wasn’t open enough to feeling anything that intensely.”

Now, having had a positive relationship with her dad, she has noticed a big difference in the way she views men. “I have a better sense of what the man in my life should be like. I just started dating someone, and it looks and feels nothing like my previous relationships. I am much more open with him.”

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Expert Take: “It’s telling that she broke down when her donor father called her beautiful,” says San Francisco psychotherapist Leah Seidler. “That’s what a woman wants to hear from her dad—that she’s special, beloved, praised.” Jennifer clearly lacked paternal love and affection during her childhood, and she also had no role model for manhood. “That makes it hard to distinguish between different kinds of men and recognize a nurturing partner.” Perhaps that’s why a study in the journal Fertility and Sterility found that three-quarters of donor-sperm children want to meet or develop a connection with their donor father, but the majority would not consider having children of their own using donor sperm. They’re well aware of what their own kids could be missing out on.

How to Deal: Many donor-sperm adults say that a lot of people don’t recognize their situation as a trauma, but it can be an occasion for grief, says Seidler. Acknowledging that can be an initial step toward healing. If you feel a strong desire for answers, you can pursue finding your bio dad, as Jennifer did. But it may be more realistic—and less risky to your ego—to seek out other kinds of father figures instead, such as an uncle or a male work mentor, says Seidler. They can help you form a more well-rounded opinion of men, which makes it easier to spot a good partner.

RELATED: 4 Ways Dads Can Make Their Daughters Better at Life

For three more heartfelt and poignant stories from real women who grew up without their dads, pick up the June 2015 issue of Women’s Health, on newsstands now.