What Guys REALLY Think About Hand Jobs

Guys mastered the art of the hand job back before they ever had their first girlfriend. So as it turns out, they critique women’s attempts pretty, well, hard. We asked nine guys what they really think of hand jobs—and what they had to say was surprising, funny, and an oddly helpful lesson in anatomy. For the sake of your worn-out wrist (and love of all things hilarious!), you have to read their responses.

“A hand job is a decent consolation price, at best, and a pleasure-less waste of time at worst. The most common mistake I’ve experienced is that women tend to focus on the wrong part, the base. There are very few nerve endings in the base of a penis. Ladies, focus on the head!” —Eric S.

“I personally don’t mind hand jobs. Obviously, sex would be preferable most of the time, but I think hand jobs have their advantages. One of the biggest in my opinion is that it allows couples to be more spontaneous. There are certain situations where having sex would not be an option, but a hand job would be—and that definitely helps keep things interesting or exciting.” —Bryan V.

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“Here are a few tips for the ladies: First, our man appendages aren’t very smart. And when men do it ourselves, we are lazy. Back and forth we go. Make the man meat feel special with some wrist rotation. Surprisingly, it’s exciting and easy to do. The less friction, the better. Remember slip and slides as a kid? Fun stuff, right? Now imagine sliding down some asphalt with the same speed. Yeah, not pleasant. Look enthusiastic. Guys are visual creatures, too. If you’re wringing the ding-a-ling with a look on your face that resembles constipation, we are going to need more than Ex-lax to fix the situation. Give us compliments. So what if giving him a hand job resembles the same range of motion as playing the world’s smallest violin? Make him feel like it’s a cello instead.”  —Amin V.

“I can do a better job myself. It’s fine during foreplay, but I would need lube if it were to continue for an extended period of time.” —Ben W.

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“Guys overwhelmingly do not like them. And they certainly don’t compare to intercourse or to oral. I think the main reason why is because their positioning/placement is all wrong; it doesn’t mimic/mirror that of when a guy is masturbating. That is, unless you are lying by his side. The opposing position and placement does not seem to match the natural curvature of a penis. Too much yanking, instead of a more natural stroke.” —Chris U.

“I personally dislike hand jobs. When I was with my ex-girlfriend and I’d realize she was only giving me a hand job, I’d think to myself, ‘Self, what did you do to make her mad?!’ When I’m being intimate with a girl and she starts stroking my penis, I think to myself, ‘Why haven’t you started sucking it yet?’ And when I realize she isn’t going to, the disappointment is immense. Another reason I dislike the hand job is the mess. There’s going to be sperm going in all directions when I finish. A girl using her hands is best when combined with sloppy head. I’m not a big fan of ‘just a hand job.’” —Pedro C.

“Sometimes girls focus too much on the bottom part. They need to grip the tip nicely and alternate. And not too loose.” —Hazim A.

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