Sometimes we think that if we find a therapist with the right credentials, using the right type of technique, we’re all set.  Then we might be confused when it doesn’t feel right.  There are a lot of ways for therapists to fail clients.  Here are four that might indicate that your therapist is not listening, or connecting to you.
If you have to say “yes, but…†all the time…
Then your therapist isn’t meeting you where you are.  Picture this scenario.
J comes in for therapy and is having difficulty with Significant Other. They aren’t married and SO cheats on J, takes money, doesn’t work, and puts down J’s looks, intelligence and general opinions. Every week Therapist tells J to dump him and every week J says, Yes, but I love him or yes, but then I’d be all alone, or yes, but he says he’s trying to change. The problem isn’t that Therapist is wrong—most objective observers probably agree that J needs to get out of there. The problem is that Therapist isn’t listening to J.
Your therapist keeps bringing up things that you don’t want to discuss
Like the above, this can happen from time to time. But if you feel like every week you have no idea why Therapist is bringing up certain issues, there may be a disconnect. Imagine you’re in therapy to work on procrastination and your therapist keeps bringing up your drinking. The truth is that your drinking may be an issue but if you don’t know why it keeps coming up, and you keep disagreeing on what you’re supposed to be talking about.
You know way too much about your therapist
I briefly had a therapist who was late to all 4 of our sessions. I was her first appointment of the day and she always arrived at the center a few minutes after 9, disappeared into her office for 5-10 minutes and then called me in. Then she talked about her new baby for 5 minutes. In retrospect there were some boundary violations going on (it got worse when her attention turned to me), but I was young and naïve to therapy and trusting that this person knew what she was doing. If a therapist tells you something about their life that you aren’t comfortable with, see if you can tell them. I know this is easier said than done, but the right therapist will accept the feedback and adjust accordingly. If they blame you for your discomfort or make you feel bad about it, find a new one (even in centers that offer free services, you should be able to request a different clinician).
Change isn’t happening and the two of you aren’t talking about it
Change takes time. And sometimes it’s hard to see. Sometimes there are obstacles. But if you feel like you’re coming in every week and talking about stuff and that’s it, therapy is failing you. It should feel like you’re working on something real. And if things aren’t changing, the two of you should be talking about what’s going on and making changes to the treatment.
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And they are apparently too stupid to realize how easy it is to ensure they are called out for their bad behavior.
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    Last reviewed: 23 Mar 2014
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