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In a perfect world, the man you’ve been falling in love with would, after a few weeks or so of blissful dating, drop to his knees and declare his undying devotion. “There’s no one else for me,” he’d say, probably while being rained on. “Be my girlfriend!”

That surely sometimes happens. Sometimes. (In movies.) And, sometimes in actual real life, relationships just naturally evolve into something “official,” like when you start saying “I love you” and being referred to as “my girlfriend” in public.

And other times, it’s completely unclear.

If you find yourself in one of those are-we-or-aren’t-we phases and you want to get some clarification, then it’s probably time for the define-the-relationship talk. Since those conversations can be daunting, we asked Ian Kerner, Ph.D., sex and relationship therapist and author of She Comes First, to give some advice on the best way to approach this whole “official” question.

Think About What You Want
It’s easy to get so caught up in a new relationship that you become too focused on hitting the different milestones and forget to check in with yourself to see if you really want a relationship with this person. Do you want to meet his family? Do you want him to meet your best friend? Do you want to not see other people? It’s important to be honest with yourself and get a clear idea of what you want, says Kerner, before you start wondering what he might want.

MORE: 11 Signs You’re Officially In a Relationship

Look for the Signs that Tell You it’s the Right Point in Your Relationship
Observing someone’s actions is often the first step before the talk. “Have you met his friends and family? Have you each left some stuff at each other’s houses?” asks Kerner. Those are good signs you both share the same feelings about where this thing is headed—and you can feel confident that it’s a good time for a conversation. If it’s been months and one of these things have come up, then it’s time to ask why the relationship isn’t progressing the way you feel it should. 

Broach the Topic Side-On
Side-to-side communication is key, especially when it’s an important topic, says Kerner. “Face-to-face can sometimes feel like a confrontation.” Consider taking a walk or a drive together and then bringing up the whole label issue.

MORE: 5 Signs He’s Falling in Love with You

Come From a Place of Confidence
Of course, it’s normal to feel a little anxious about this conversation, but you’ll want to get a handle on your emotions and your thoughts before you broach the topic. “You don’t want the conversation coming from a place of anxiety,” says Kerner. “You want it coming from a place of connection.”

Start off with something like, “I really love seeing you and spending time with you, and I don’t want to see anyone else. Do you feel the same?” suggests Kerner. It’s obviously less confrontational than “Where is this even going?” and it sets the tone that you’re seriously considering the future together and want to hear his thoughts. 

Don’t be Afraid of Rocking the Boat
If things are going well, you might be worried that bringing up the idea of a committed relationship could put a damper on the fun time you’re having together. “Relationships have momentum,” says Kerner. “If you feel like your relationship is continuing to expand, then that’s a healthy thing.” If the relationship is standing still and you truly think an honest conversation is going to mess things up, then that’s probably an indication that you’re not on the same page in terms of where things are going and how fast they should go there. Regardless, it’s worth talking about because you’re going to want to know this information sooner rather than later. 

MORE: 12 Dating Tips That Will Transform Your Love Life